It’s time I come clean. If I don’t, who knows how it will continue to progress.
Most of you know I signed up for my first Ultra- a 50 miler in December. Well, I’m terrified. If I didn’t think I could handle it (the race and the training for it), I would never have signed up. But I did. I knew that I was ready for a new challenge, and 50 miles excited me.
Now? The thought puts a pit in my stomach and sends my anxiety through the roof.
I stopped posting here. I stopped reading your posts. And, these past few weekends I have been “accidentally” sleeping through my alarm and missing my long runs. I don’t know why. It makes me feel like $#%@ the rest of the day/weekend. Maybe I’m waiting for someone to say, “hey why don’t you sit this one out”, or…who knows.
I’m still excited for the challenge, and hoping I will snap out of whatever this is that I am going through. But, at the same time, I am scared.
It also doesn’t help that I got a bit ahead of myself when I registered for the race, completely forgetting something major (and something majorly stressful) I am responsible for the evening prior to the race. Trusting that all goes well, I will be leaving Tampa around 9:00 PM to make the 3-hour drive to Daytona a mere 15 hours before the start of my 50 mile race.
And see there it goes again. The thought of everything has triggered my anxiety. I start sweating. I have to focus on my breathing.
What is going on with me?!
Leading up to April’s Star Wars Half Marathon Dark Side Challenge, I wanted to line up my next BIG race/goal to kind of allow me to segway in to a new training plan as I tend to get hit by the Marathon Blues after a big race. I had been considering an Ultra for a couple months, and it felt right, so I went for it. And yet, I still got the blues. Although this feels like something more than just the blues.
But why? I love running! A good long run is like therapy for me. I love being out on the open road alone with my thoughts, ideas, and dreams. And now, I find myself trying to come up with every excuse imaginable to get out of my long runs.
I felt it was time to get this off my chest. Who knows, maybe it’ll help. Or maybe it’ll give me the strength to really figure out if it is worth it. And what that it might be.
Thank you for sticking with me. I promise I’ll be back to my usual (good) crazy self in no time.